The Village Meetings Of The Los Illuminados
by TerenceF
Summary: During Resident Evil 4 the evil cult, the Los Illuminados, decided to hold group meetings to decide what to do about a number of things. Thus resulted in the humerous documents that will shed light on the origin of the cult and why they actually wanted th
1. Chapter 1

**Resident Evil 4… Ish**

During Resident Evil 4 the members of the Los Illuminados decided to hold group meetings to decide what to do about the kick-ass Leon, the American agent who seems to be killing off all of them with ease.

In a random castle in Spain:

Lord Saddler- Hello everyone! Today we have called upon this group meeting to address certain issues. The American hostage chick, that one Spanish dude, and the death of our beloved Fran.

Villager 1- Goddamn the American! God damn him for killing Fran.

Villager 2- Yea, who does he think he is… killing Fran and rescuing the American Chick.

Villager 3- Why does he hate us sooooo!

Saddler- I gave up trying to figure why.

Villager 4- It's because we're Gay.

Villager 1- That does make a lot of sense.

Villager 2- Didn't he say we were possessed zombies are some shit like that.

Saddler- I keep trying to call him and tell him that we're not a cult. We're a fucking Gay Aids Colony!

Village 3- Did you try his cell phone?

Saddler- Why would he get coverage in the middle of a forest in Spain?

Villager 4- I've been meaning to talk about us all getting cell phones…

Saddler- Shut up! Now back to business. Where's Salazar?

Salazar- I'm right here!

Saddler- Oh, sorry, didn't see you. It must be my vision…

Villager 4- Or it could be because he's a fucking Napoleon. Sorry Salazar… or should I say, SALLY, but you have to be this tall to ride this ride.

Sally- Fuck you number Four!

Saddler- Both of you, knock it out. HHHHAAA! I'm having my period and I ran out of pads.

Villager 1- Fran had most of the pads. Sniffle WHY DID FRAN HAVE TO DIE!

Villager 2- FFFFRRRANNNN!

Villager 4- Shut Up you fags.

Villager 1- Hey just because we have Aids, DOES NOT mean we're Gay!

Saddler- Yea, I'm a chick! Meeting Adjourned! Meet back here in an hour to discuss the loss of the giant fish.

Villager 1- FFFFFFRRRRAAAANNN… We shall miss you Fran, the giant fish.

Chapter 1- Locked Doors and Ammo Cartridges

Sally- I've just come up with a brilliant idea to get rid of the American Agent!

Saddler- What?

Sally- We lock him in a room WITHOUT a way to get out.

Saddler- Haven't we tried that.

Sally- No, because he always goes and finds the random keys that just happen to be lying around.

Saddler- Oh…

Villager 4- That's the shittiest idea I've ever heard.

Spanish Villager- Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Villager 1- Goddamn it! We don't speakie Spanish!

Spanish Villager- Que?

Saddler- In other news, I've just sent an email to everyone to tell them not to carry random ammo around. The American seems to confiscate it after he kills each of us.

Sally- The internets down dude.

Saddler- Goddamn AOL!

Villager 1- Goddamn the American! FRRRRAAANNN. We shall hold a funeral today in his honor.

Saddler- So I've just learned that the American has been infected with our AIDS virus. He shall soon be like one of us and have to stay here unless he finds the super secret machine that we have hidden at an un-disclosed location.

Villager 1- He'll never find it. I locked the door.

Saddler- I hope there isn't a key or a random piece of dynamite lying around.

Sally- Oh' shit.

Spanish Villager- Si, dude… Si.

Chapter 2-

In the Mines underneath the Castle-

Saddler- FUCK! How did the American get that far?

Sally- He's got so many guns… yet where does he carry all of them?

Villager 2- He killed Villager 1! Where does he get the nerve to kill both Fran and Number 1!

Spanish Villager- Me llamo Jose. Yo soy Spain!

Villager 3- Shut up Spanish Man!

Villager 4- At least we got the chick back.

Sally- We've decided to use her as this AIDS colony ambassador to America. So we wanted to go and perform plastic surgery on her for the photo shoots later this afternoon but that Leon guy thinks we're sacrificing her.

Villager 2- Why does he have to be such an ass-hole?

Saddler- It's because he's American… NORTH American!

Villager 2- I miss Fran.

Spanish Villager- Ditto.

Sally- Ditto, isn't that English

Villager 4- No, it's a pokemon.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 3- The French Los Illuminados

After the villages…

After the Castles…

After the hidden underground facilities…

IS a random island.

Lord Saddler- How in the HELL can one man make it through an entire enemy armada of Gays Aids infected Men! Can you tell me how!

Villager 2- Leon killed Sally…. Sally… he… became infected with our Super-Aids virus.

Villager 3- Villager 1, FRAN, AND NOW SALLY! I hate Americans!

Saddler- There is only one thing we can do besides send illegal immigrants to America… THE FRENCH MAN!

A weird French man steps out of the shadows…. His name is Jack. He has a really gay red hat on. His mission… To kick ass. Will he get killed by Leon? Probably.

**Schwarzenegger voice**- Where is that puny man named Leon.

Saddler- He is currently running around this island.

Jack- Only really gay people run around on island.

Spanish Villager- Yo estoy muy calado I am really hot

Villager 4- Where did he get subtitles from?

Villager 3- Well this is a Japanese game.

Villager 2- HEY! The press helicopter just arrived.

Saddler- Oh' good.

Villager 2- And it just killed an entire fort of villagers.

Saddler- Oh' Shit!

Jack- I shall kill Press Helicopter. Jack leaves

Saddler- I always knew Hollywood would betray us.

Villager 3- We'll never get a movie adaptation of our game! Goddamn zombies!

Spanish Villager- Cuando? Que?

Villager 2- Hey, the Spanish guy just said K.

Villager 3- No he said… Que, That's Spanish for But Sex.

Saddler- I will make those Americans pay. Whether it is illegal immigration from Mexicans or raised Oil prices! I WILL MAKE THEM SUFFER!

Villager 4- We could just have sex with them. Ya' know AIDS is infectious.

Saddler- O yea. Back to the pile!


End file.
